Toys That Will Never Enter My Kitchen

23 Feb

When I was Upstate visiting with the family, I went to Target. I know we have one here in the City now, but still, there’s something about the Albany Target. It’s huge! All the cool stuff is still there because people in Albany have no style! etc, etc. Anyway, I digress. While I was there I saw this Egg & Muffin 2-Slice Toaster and Egg Poacher. I was shocked! I mean, how hard is it to toast an english muffin and poach an egg?

On Monday, back in the office, I showed this to a few co-workers expecting them to think it was as funny and over the top in a McMansion way as I did. Much to my horror, it was the very opposite, they wanted one! My first problem with this is, it’s HUGE! Why would you give precious counter space over to this thing? I mean, the egg poacher jobbie is bigger than the one counter I have! My second problem with this (and yes, it’s a tad A.B.) is that it’s a uni-tasker. It only does one thing, and I’m dubious as to how well it even does that!

In response to my amazement that someone would even want that thing, one of my co-workers showed me this Hot Diggity Dogger, and then another admitted to owning one!

So, as a public service to my co-workers I present simple, step-by-step guides on how to poach eggs and how to cook a hot dog.

Poached Eggs

  • Put water in a pot, so that it’s about 1 1/2 inches deep
  • Put a glug of vinegar in the pot (this is called acidulated water. cool word, right?)
  • Boil slowly
  • Crack an egg into a small bowl and then tip it into the water
  • Scoot the whites into a pretty shape
  • Turn off the heat
  • Cover the pot
  • Let sit for 2-3 minutes
  • Remove from the water with a slotted spoon
  • Eat immediately!

How To Cook A Hot Dog
boiling method

  • Bring beer to boil in a pan, about 1 inch deep, drink the rest of your beer
  • Place hot dogs in pan
  • Allow to cook for 5-7 minutes
  • EAT!

steaming method (a little more complicated!)

  • Place about an inch of water in a pan
  • Place a steaming basket over the water
  • Add dogs, cover with a lid
  • Allow to steam for 5-7 minutes
  • EAT!

Grilling Method (very advanced!)

  • Start your grill
  • When hot, place dogs on grill (you can also put the buns on the grill, they’ll almost be like toast!)
  • Grill dogs for 5-7 minutes
  • EAT!

And finally, if you want to get reaaaaaaaaaally fancy, you can get an Octodog. Not only are they more fun to eat, they’re safer. And if you take a picture of yourself or loved ones eating an octodog, you may be able to win prizes!

Now how much more incentive do I have to give you guys to get out there and cook your own dogs!!!

2 Responses to “Toys That Will Never Enter My Kitchen”

  1. david February 23, 2006 at 4:16 pm #

    You are missing the genius of the Hot Diggity Dogger.

    As any dog connoisseur knows, grilling is the only acceptable way to prepare your frank; it lends the casing a crisp texture and robust flavor that can’t be obtained using other methods. Boiling and steaming leave you with a limp weiner.

    The Dogger takes grilling to the next level. For one thing, it simultaneously grills the entire surface of the dog –no burn marks on just one side, like you’d get on a grill pan or outdoor barbeque. No turning or monitoring required. And the heat level is easily adjusted, so you can fine tune your cooking to anywhere between light toasting and full-fledged char.

    Moreover, the thing handles buns perfectly, toasting them right alongside the dogs. And it can even handle sausage of similar length and girth.

    I reserve the boiling method for sausages –like bratwurst– that benefit from a good soak and where the flavor of the beer really can add something to the dish. And as far as I’m concerned, steaming is for only for dumplings and vegetables.

  2. faith February 28, 2006 at 12:57 am #

    …wandered over from the Kitchen and couldn’t resist a comment.

    I saw that muffin-egg gizmo a little while ago (on Slashfood, maybe?) and instantly had the same response as your coworkers! Yet I am resolutely opposed to too many appliances, especially uni-taskers (even though I really want an ultra speedy electric kettle) and certainly know how to poach an egg and toast a muffin (under the broiler, please – only way to get it properly crispy-chewy!).

    I think the answer is found in the Wallace & Gromit, Rube Goldbergian delight of a contraption that toasts your bread, fixes your egg, and sizzles your bacon – all in one little device. It’s quite bewitching. And utterly extraneous – although it probably wouldn’t be as fun if it weren’t pointless.

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