People Drop By From Time To Time… Part 4

5 Apr

Why must we constantly ask why?

Do you think old Rover sits there asking himself, “Hmm… I wonder if there’s a surgery that will give me an opposable thumb… If only I had an opposable thumb, I could ask Google.” Is tiny Tweetie actually asking herself “do woodchucks like to eat peanuts yes or no” while she’s fluttering about her cage?

Swoon

No, I don’t think so. The need to know is a purely human trait, which has been made all the more intense since Al Gore invented the Internet. (Oh wait, you mean he didn’t? Oops.)

WordPress, the free service on which this blog runs, just keeps getting better and better, but hands down their best feature is the ability to see the funny phrases that bring people to The Granny Cart.

Lately, there’s been lots of Pickled Beet Egg queries (which makes sense). However, more often than not, I have to wonder about my skills as a writer.

Christmas Dachshund

What phrase did I use that made someone think I would know what a chicken lobster is?

I hope the person that wanted a “recipe containing macaroni and cheese” found one. (It’s right here if you’re still looking, and it’s called Mac & Cheese).

And to the person that searched for “tiny bunnies that don’t grow,” I’m still waiting to hear from you. Please let me know if you’ve found the impossible dream!

And so without further interruption, let the questions begin.

Colorful Brownstones

Just Get Dinner On The Table.

why did they make red beet eggs? (Because they’re crazy delicious!)

pickled beet salad with marshmallows (No. I do not recommend this. Not at all. Bad idea.)

how to butcher buffalo (I’d think this is the sort of thing one would like to know before one has a dead buffalo on one’s hands)

cooking on tugboats (I bet the kitchens are TINY)

if you just had breakfast all the time (I bet you’d get tired of pancakes)

Gramercy Park Giraffes

ELECTRIC CHICKEN TO POACH EGGS (But this would help with eating breakfast all the time)

i like chickens cuz they’are so delicious (Don’t we all… Don’t we all)

chicken vending machine (This would certainly make the guy above happy)

just put the lobster live in the oven (And people think hearing them “scream” is uncomfortable. Can you imagine listening to them scramble about in your oven? *shiver)

paparazzi recipe bean pasta soup (If my one viewing of Dirt taught me anything, it’s that this soup would probably taste like vodka, sweat and cigarettes)

vermont “olive oil” (Completely, and utterly, stumped by this one)

AH LA LA I FIGURED OUT I CAN’T MAKE DESSERT (That’s why god invented pastry shops, dear)

ill be eating dinner watching you die (creepy)

Smokestack

Things That Make You Go, Hmm…

what are german immigrants (Something tells me they’re from Germany)

where did borscht come from? (A magical rose-tinted world)

do giraffes eat juniper? (A more important question; Do they have juniper in Africa?)

morels growing in hair (Yes, that does sound like a problem)

last weekend chick very hot (No location, no name. Good luck with that buddy)

“sandra lee” +fervor (One word. No.)

Coney Island in Winter

“Sandra Lee” evil hatred (One word. Yes.)

ugly pictures of lime juice (Huh?)

Bridesmaid was a chicken (I certainly hope they don’t mean literally)

alliteration in root cellar (Yes, in my root cellar we only store; Parsnips, Pippins, Potatoes and Parsley Roots)

train dog not to eat chickens (I’d suggest something along the lines of a fence)

Ah, Bay Ridge

And finally, I know there’s actually some truth to this query, but it just makes me break into song:

how much is a pony in a cocktail.

Happy Spring everyone!

17 Responses to “People Drop By From Time To Time… Part 4”

  1. Luisa April 5, 2007 at 9:25 am #

    Oh, hilarious! My favorite: what are german immigrants. Whuh? :)

  2. ricky April 5, 2007 at 12:19 pm #

    Those are quite funny! I have to say though, I wouldn’t want a list of all the strange things I have searched for in my life…i had a very bad morel/hair problem a few years back myself.

  3. s'kat April 5, 2007 at 1:32 pm #

    Love it! Bridesmaid was a chicken sounds like the name of a song, probably country.

  4. Terry B April 5, 2007 at 3:38 pm #

    Sigh. The search terms that bring people to me are almost always boringly on task. Thanks for the laughs and the lovely random photos.

  5. Rebecca April 5, 2007 at 8:57 pm #

    Oh, my gosh; I just got so hysterical my husband had to leave the room! Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in literally months…

  6. ann April 6, 2007 at 10:02 am #

    Thanks guys, you’re all pretty funny too ;-)
    Happy Easter, Passover, Bunnyday or Threedayweekend, whatever you’re celebrating!

  7. Virginia April 6, 2007 at 6:14 pm #

    wait! did you go to that book signing or not??

  8. sher April 6, 2007 at 8:14 pm #

    Oh, you know you want to try that pickled beets with marshmallow! :)

  9. ann April 6, 2007 at 10:07 pm #

    ha, very funny Virginia… No, I did not ;-)

    Sher — I’m hoping someone else will try it for me and now that you’ve made cheeto encrusted mac & cheese, how could pickled beets with marshmallow (and hopefully jello!) be a challenge after that ;-)

  10. dickrebel April 8, 2007 at 8:49 am #

    v.hilarious. This one in particular:

    just put the lobster live in the oven (And people think hearing them “scream” is uncomfortable. Can you imagine listening to them scramble about in your oven? *shiver)

    Could you just imagine??? What if they managed to get out and were REALLY pissed off!!! Lobsters ATTACK!!!

    R O T F L.

  11. dickrebel April 8, 2007 at 8:56 am #

    I am still laughing.

    Could you imagine the nurse at the emergency room counter:

    Nurse: Can I help you?

    Cook: I got a very bad pinch from a lobster on my ankle while I was cooking. 1I can hardy walk.

    Nurse: Umm, how did you get a lobster pinch on your ankle then???

    Cook: It crawled out of the oven and got me from behind.

  12. ann April 8, 2007 at 11:17 am #

    Hilarious! That’s when you need to call in the Lobstersquad!

  13. Kristen (gezellig-girl) April 9, 2007 at 2:03 pm #

    Man, you want freaky search strings? Try having [something]girl.com. Most of them are so obscene I can’t even mention them in polite company.

  14. lobstersquad April 9, 2007 at 2:55 pm #

    I LOVE these posts of yours. I laugh so much, and it makes me so jealous of wordpress. electric chicken to poach eggs, that just has to be turned into a drawing, along heath robinson lines.

  15. Anne April 9, 2007 at 7:36 pm #

    My favorite is Bridesmaid Is A Chicken. Do they mean a coward or a real, live clucker? Hmmm….

    “Good American Wife” gets some creepy inquiries as well, mostly from individuals lookikng for ways to get their wives to “behave.”

  16. ann April 9, 2007 at 9:06 pm #

    Kristen — yeah, I get those too, apparently there’s guys out there that really have a thing for grannies. *shiver*

    lobstersquad — glad to be a muse! if you ever make that drawing, let me know, I’d give it pride of place on my kitchen wall!

    Anne — oh god, I never thought of that. And here I thought people finding myself with a query for “woodchuck poison” was creepy ;-)

  17. Julie April 13, 2007 at 8:32 pm #

    And here I am with pedestrian, everyday searches like “pasta and tomato sauce” or “glorified rice” (oddly, a popular search) or “vietnamese sweet sour soup.” Nothing creepy. Nothing untoward.

    I feel cheated somehow.

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